hand raised to throbbing temples. pulse pulse pulse of the blood rushing through veins in my head i can feel them bulging out can anyone else see them is anyone else looking at me now as i stand here? pain pain as the world spins around and all i want to do is drive a nail into my skull and ease the pain that i feel.

and it wasn't supposed to be like this at all. nothing would have prepared me for this when i woke up this morning, like any other day with the light streaming in through the window, i opened my eyes, felt the morning sun on my face and rolled over against the walls. i, unlike my cat, do not like basking in the sun.

and now, and this. we sat, the whole day, together, in silence. he held my hand. i could feel him next to me as he held my fingers in his, slipped them one at a time between mine, his hand on top of mine. he made a fist and rested his fingers in my palm, burrowing them between my hand and the wooden bench. he smiled the whole time. the warm air blew through the trees, rustling leaves over my head. i was probably smiling too.

and night fell suddenly. i wasn't paying attention, and there was no announcement of its arrival. he had left me, for a minute, he had said. he had a surprise. for me he said. and he smiled once more as he walked away, looking over his shoulder, crossing the street, as the car ran him down.

flash of white followed by red couldn't see for the ringing in my so loud so incredibly no noise can be that loud nothing makes a noise that loud and i ran to where lifeless oh god there's really nothing left why sink into the grass holding hands to temples feeling the blood fill my mind.

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